My Past Fears of Being Touched

I love to be touched and often forget how much I feared it when I was younger. My aversion to human touch, whether it be family or strangers, my body would tense up and freeze. A slow income away from the touch feeling, in hindsight, gave me chills and made my blood run cold. I never realized how much I've grown and healed from physical touch and the lack of mother's milk is a definite testament to our relationship. My mother was 46 when she had me. Her milk ducts were no longer producing milk, perhaps a lack of prolactin production due to age, the bitch was dry, okay? I theorize that this, including my continued failed relationship with my mother, repressed sexual trauma and desires, and a lack of socializing all led me to be adverse to touch; they're all connected too! 

I was so averse to touch that I would sit very still in my house, afraid that I would get "dirty." My kid brain associated touch with germs. I would literally dodge hugs when I was a preteen and I was so closed off. I never realized the issue until my brain could fully understand the situation. So I did my best to fix it. After my disability, I knew I wasn't going to live forever and after many visits to various hospitals, a place I feared the most because of germs, I got over it. It literally took me becoming disabled to get over my hurdles of fear. Day after day of being admitted to a new hospital after almost 2 years, once even in a different country, I literally became desensitized to "germs." 

My relationship to touch is so much better now and I have to thank the BDSM community for it. I like to be spanked, manhandled (all genders included), spat on, and my fear of being touched eventually went away. Of course, consent is still a big factor for me, but my life has been filled with both bad and good touches that I truly do not care anymore. Life is too short to not touch or to be touched.