Keeping Up With My Fucked Up Family
I abhor tsismis (commonly spelt as "chismis"). The visually appealing word means "gossip" in Tagalog. Funnily enough, my mother's name was listed as #1 in an online article my brother found and it could not be closer to the truth. The listicle was named something along the lines of, "most common Filipino names who act like Karens." My mother is the matriarch of the family and she doesn't take anyone's shit. She has gone as far as abuse, in my opinion, but to them, I'm being a whiny American victim so let me share with you a little story:
My brother/housemate literally had to bring my brain biopsies to a hospital in Manila (The Philippine's capital); this is what caused the biggest delay to an undiagnosable random onset of my encephalitis. ***Fun fact: I have parts of my brain in my closet*** During a trip to my mother's hometown, it was raining and we were already running late to a church my mother wanted to visit. Her sister, my tita, was also present and as soon as we were walking to the car, they started to chismis on church property. [I secretly think she intentionally whispers loudly so the person she is talking about knows she's talking about them. She loves drama]. The irony was that I paid more attention to a religion that has deeply traumatized me, yet I still respect being around those who believe in it. I respect others' identities and differing views, as long as the respect is reciprocated. My family doesn't know what respect is because they think they are above others.
I've never heard my mother apologize or admit she was wrong. It scares me how much I am similar to her, but I have to remind myself that I am in control of my emotions and she does not. My mother can be very manipulative, with a victim mentality, and partakes in guilt-tripping. Whenever I confide in her about my depression, or simply try to educate her on anything she wouldn't approve of, I'm automatically wrong. She is very judgemental with hypocritical behavior when it comes to women and conducts in misogynistic behavior ; commenting on other’s behaviors, particularly women, outwardly saying, “she needs to dress her age,” or my favorite, “she wears too much/not enough makeup.” For example, she loves to control my body, especially my vagina. Why?! I'm a grown woman; I'm almost 30 and you still think you have control of me? Lastly, your sons have sexually and physically abused women, are predators, neglects their children, and you still hate me, your daughter? Yes, she's that much of a character.
I am a cryer and so is everyone in my immediate biological family; we cry when we're sad, scared, angry, happy, really any heightened emotion can trigger tears to start swelling. My mother found out I was sexually active during a doctor's visit and the words, "birth control pills," fatefully spilled from the mouth of a negligent neurologist, as if in slow motion. She was so dramatic and mentally ill that she started acting like a child (e.g. ignoring my explanations and apologies, crying in the MRI waiting room, and just generally making me feel like I'm in the wrong. She was immature about the situation because I was already 21). Sex is natural. I wouldn't be here if she didn't have sex. Whenever I speak about a career milestone, she tries to redirect me to a different profession. Then, I tried to explain to her how disabled people do not have as much privilege as able-bodied people. She will then proceed to scold me on my incessant disability justice and continues to ignore the institutional and governmental issues that are hindering my success in a country in which she idolizes. Additionally, she does not want to accept that her almost 30-year-old daughter is sexually active and is in a career that does not affect her. If anything, I’m succeeding, so is she angry that I am no longer 100% relying on her for my survival? I will never know!
Hypocrisy and lying about her own sexual history is one of my mother's specialties. She claims that my father was her sexual debut, adding to the lies about her past sexual behavior because she has slipped with her lies when discussing my eldest brother's birth and my parents wedding [THE MATH ISN'T MATHING]. In fact, I attempted to get the facts from my brother/housemate by asking what year our parents got married and following with when my brother was born and he told me he didn't know. I KNOW YOU KNOW BECAUSE YOUR MOTHER'S BESTIE! My favorite brother/housemate is the stereotypically neglected middle child and he and our mother talk almost every day. He is more facts-oriented and did not take a side when I revealed brother who molested me because he does not know all the facts and we are both his siblings. He is biased, yet fair and continues to make my life as easy as possible, and I am forever grateful. My mother, however, I guarantee you that 1 lie from me is equivalent to 10 lies for her; a 1:10 ratio. She will omit facts from the “opposing side” to make her look good.
I no longer have to mask around my family because I'm so exhausted from acting all the time. Yes, I still live with my best brother/housemate, not because either one of us wants to, but because we have to. I'm still living with him because I am disabled and that makes me incredulously vulnerable. I have escaped death so many times in my almost 29 years on this earth and I don't intend on holding back in terms of living my life. Life is the longest thing a human can experience, yet death can happen at any time. Life should be experienced with pleasure, not fear. That's what my mother needs; an orgasm.
