It was a simple writing prompt…

PROMPT: You can write your life story as a person, as a professional, or as a sexual being. Describe your hopes, dreams, goals, wishes and vision for a future as you review your own past. Notice the wins and losses; what made you who you are today? Imagine this is what you ask of your own clients before you work begins. How does doing this exercise help you become a better coach?

Use this space to write your own life story. TW: RAPE/SA/MOLESTATION

My first memory is of one of my older brothers molesting me. I always lied, telling a bullshit story about how my father and I were looking at stars on our Filipino house’s porch that he would usually clean with a walis ting-ting. It didn't really register in my head until my first (and only [hopefully]) rape around the time of Kobe Bryant's death. I was so angry when he died and I didn't know why. Then it clicked; when I was in middle school, it was around the time his trials for rape/sexual misdemeanors came about. I went through the 5 stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and after 3 years, acceptance. The brutal part was depression because it hit me like a fucking train. I was 5150’ed twice in one year, isolated myself from my family, made horrible decisions, and all of that happened during the height of the pandemic. However, I’m not here to tell you how my rape initially happened, I knew something was wrong because I was taking a trauma response and recovery certification at the time; my body was sitting the trauma. 

In 2019, I went on a trip to Yosemite with my cousins visiting from the UK; this included my molester (I will be calling him my molester because no brother molests their own sibling), his wife and two kids, my cousins, and my molester and mines' 2 older brothers, and one of them brought my precious niece. I want to stay alive because of her. I am alive because of her; I want to protect her from the evils of this world and I want her to be happily safe. Everyone, except my cousins and niblings knew what happened and they didn't want to take a side. All the adults drank alcohol, which ended up with me crying and my molester trying to console me by giving me a hug to which I angrily responded with, "don't touch me!" I’ve lost allies both on my mother’s and father’s side and I really only have the brother that I live with.

I couldn't take the pain anymore so I exposed my molester online. I wanted to protect the little girls in my family and spoke my truth on Facebook; I made an honest recollected post of that horrendous day. My molester threatened to sue me for defamation so I was forced to take the post down, but most of them don't know I have a YouTube channel and other social medias. I posted a video on Youtube and I got so much praise for speaking up and that's when I knew I wanted to be an advocate and storyteller activist for ST (sexual trauma). I even wrote an affidavit to someone from the San Francisco Unified School District because she had found my tweets of the time I was raped by a trusted partner, again, before the pandemic; he was a substitute teacher. I have no idea how she found me, but it was a good thing. When I speak about my rapist to those familiar to the comedy scene in SF, they respond negatively about him. 

I really needed to write this out because it has been on my mind as of late because of this time of the year. I tried to kill myself because of all the sexual trauma, lack of family support and belief, and feeling hopeless due to not having money and/because of disability. It was my most mentally anguishing time, but I came out stronger and better. I don't want my niblings to experience what I've experienced which is why I'm in this line of work. Education, storytelling, coaching, and practicing healthy boundaries has helped me heal so much; I want to use my experiences as a way to end generational, intergenerational, and general trauma. Overall, making people see that their [in]actions have consequences and/or rewards and benefits to themselves and/or others. 

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How timely…

It has also officially been a year since the war between Russia and Ukraine.