Life Maintenance (lately)
I'm at a point in my life where I feel stagnant and bored which are both terrible for me. I tend to partake in harmful behaviors like drinking alcohol on a Monday morning or sleeping all day. Currently, in my menstrual cycle, I'm in my luteal phase and for those who don't know; that's when my negative thoughts intensify due to PMDD. Boy, oh boy, do they intensify. Even if I'm feeling great during this cycle, I've had many “good times,” only to follow up with 3 consecutive cycles of pent up cortisol, only to be in surplus in 1 to 3 cycles. What's cortisol? It's our primary stress hormone.
My stress management has evolved throughout my life, adjusting to various stressors. My healthy stress management began when I started going to therapy and I was looking into cannabis use for pain relief because I did not want to take pain killers due to their addictive properties and had expressed my fears. I wasn't as research-heavy back then (this might have been the flip of a switch) as I am now; I will literally sit with and analyze my body, go onto Google Scholar, and find relevant articles and studies based on my specific concern. Medical professions have failed me in he past, causing medical trauma, and additional stress. This is what I do for work, so why can't I apply it to myself?
Stress management is simply life management because living is stressful right now, especially for marginalized groups. With the various genocides in countries (yes, including the USA because of its mass shootings and Slave Patrol, excuse me, I meant to say the modern day kkkops), and the 2024 election around the corner, I'm legitimately starting to hoard food and turn our crawl space/basement into a bunker. We already have first aid kits, hella bottled water, fire extinguishers on each level, my emergency latch through my street-level window, my brother has his emergency ladder on his hot ass balcony, and we even have an emergency car tool if our vehicles were to ever be in a body of water. Hell, we don't use ring cameras; we confuse our threats! I purposefully do not want to get an electronic ring camera door bullshit because that shit is hackable, annoyance through a stick wedged between the door and the tiled stairwell should deter any possible harms. But there's still one stressor that I can't avoid: people.
I'm extroverted… when I want to be.
I'm introverted… when I need to be.
I'm afraid of other people because of what I see in my everyday life and the people closest to you are usually your abusers and, in my case, specific dates are really fucking triggering. Curse this memory of mine when it comes to a specific times, dates and a difficult memories around fall. It’s called “fall” because I’m literally falling down an endless spiral staircase through the 30 years of my life thus far, passing through endless hurt, numbness, tears, and anger.
I'm debating whether or not to tell my now-18yo nephew who I have considered my surrogate son, and have a constructive conversation about what his father did to me. I’m hesitant because I truly felt nothing when I saw him at the graduation. Lastly, my nephew is about to start college and I do not want to add any stressors on him because he’s also dealing with his first heartache. I an only guide him from here on out and not force anything on him like my family did to me, except an emphasis on respecting women because theoretical God knows the men in my family are bafflingly abusive. Additionally, I cut off my eldest nephew because he wasn't accountable for his physical abuse towards his ex-girlfriend (like father, like son even when the father was absent. So upsetting). I'm also really close to cutting off my nephew who was shot in the face because he also hasn't been accountable and doesn't want to listen. I think I’m done? Am I? You would think with the number of accountants in my family, more accountability would be present. No, my caretaker just started saying please and thank you after almost 30 years of my existence. I’m not done, but I’m fucking exhausted by the unwillingness to heal.
As I said in the beginning, I get so bored easily, which is dangerous. That's why I'm leaning so hard on my communities because they've literally kept me alive. I don't want to keep people in my life who don't want to make the effort to be in it. I want reciprocity in terms of basic human respect. I use “I” statements in order to not put blame on the other parties. I have lost many friends and peers because of having tough conversations that need to be had, and they have failed. I'm tired and grown; I literally do not have the time, nor energy anymore. Time is the most important thing we have and I will choose and continue to choose who I spend my/our limited time with. This ain't my first rodeo; I analyze my friendships through annual reflections. Were they there for me when I was 5150ed? How do they act towards me and my disabilities, despite openly sharing that I know when to ask for help and expressing my internalized ableism? How do I know that you’re not going to ghost me? I respect and require brutal rejection so I can pass this hurt faster. I only have around 2-3 close friends now and I'm very happy with that because these bitches* are going to start their families within the next decade so I'm ready to be the sex positive Tita!
* I have their consent to call them bitches. I figured I did, but wanted to make sure because of the trauma of my most recent middle-school bestie break-up. TRAUMA.
