Am I a Bad Person?
Or am I simply too assertive; wouldn't that be crossing the lines between aggressive and hyper aggressive? I'm questioning my morals and my actions because of it and I think I might be going crazy. I know I am inherently a good person, but why have so many people left me from our friendships? Do I have high standards or am I just a bitch? Is it due to my Filipino background where women hit their kids in private and then brag about them to other Asian parents in public? Is this all a trauma response because of how many friendships I've lost? That last one is definitely a yes as it is manifesting in many health issues I am currently experiencing.
I'm also questioning my entire personality right now.
I am questioning my ability to live by myself in Amerikkka. I constantly have to explain to people that my schedule is based on my PMDD cycle because I experience debilitating back pain (I feel like Bella in Breaking Dawn part 1 when she literally bent backwards in a 90° angle); I rely on my reproductive cycle to evaluate my day-to-day lifestyle. I got my sex coach certification to start my own business, therefore, I make my own schedule. I don't like the 9 to 5 mindset and think that taking breaks is essential to everyone’s health, but that's this planet’s work culture, isn't it? Now, more than ever, Amerikkka is literally regressing, adding stress to all marginalized groups.
Questioning these things about myself are really important and pertinent to my growth as a whole person. Yes, I've noticed I've gotten angrier. Can I approach a situation after an emotionally charged situation? I'd like to think so with all my new holistic knowledge and inner work to think before I react and sometimes, not react to anything at all. However, inaction bothers the fuck out of me. I am not the type of person who can stand there, seeing visible/public injustices. How can we change these ignorant minds if I don't speak up? Shouldn't we address an issue as soon as it happens so the memory is fresh and communication is clear? Have we not learned from Chanel Miller that institutions are against survivors? I understand that we all have boundaries, but are we doing enough? I know you're tired, I'm tired, so what's next?
As I’ve mentioned 2 blog entries ago about my family's activism. Now I'm at a stalemate; continue living my truth or hiding again. I don't want to hide anymore. I am actively working on my relationships with my friends, family, and peers. My close friends, all can be counted on one hand, are getting married, having kids, and I'm feeling like I'm getting left behind. The thing is, I don't want kids! I want to be the person who my friends’ kids go to for advice, a Tita and Ninang (an aunt and godmother). Additionally, my niece has arrived and I intend on spending time with her before she leaves; she has never seen The Princess Diaries and I've always wanted to go to that arcade at the pier. Lastly, I cannot live alone in this 3-story house. It was much easier to live in a small space as a disabled person because there's less to clean! I can't even take out the recycling on the 2nd floor/kitchen/living room/dining area! My brother's plants are stressing me out too and I'm so stressed that I've started voiding again. Which means laundry has been up my ass! I’m so happy we have evolved our Asianness to using the dishwasher as a dishwasher and not for storage! Iykyk.
My knees hurt, my back pain is tolerable, my hormones are imbalanced, I'm behind on work, and I’ve only fallen once (I'm so happy I didn't break anything because it was gnarly). This week will be particularly difficult for me as it is my late dog's birthday, Dream; she passed away when I was in the hospital due to the beginning phases of my disability.
