How is the theme of “surrender” showing up in your life?
*This was originally a journal prompt, but I figured it’d make for a good blog entry.*
Surrendering doesn't always have to be a bad thing. In fact, I would say the theme of my 20s was surrendering. To me, surrendering provides us with new experiences; it's power within. I don't see my traumatic 20s as “bad,” but as life lessons I can pass down to lost youth. For example, I wanted my 30th to be stress-free because I am one anxious hoe, and I am so happy that my friends communicated to me well about self-care. I ended up spending time with a human that I love and who I feel safe with. I had to deeply deprogram my toxic concepts of love such as: fate/destiny/one true love, everything that media shoves in our sensory inputs, and, quite simply, communicating. We need to have these hard conversations, when our bodies are properly regulated; another one of my surrenders was becoming a trauma response and recovery specialist because I crave everflowing knowledge. I think the pandemic really changed how we interact with others, which led us to having a celebrity as a president (America is slowly becoming the Philippines and that scares me. The pandemic has led to a disconnect or divide, and become less empathetic to others. Do you know how many times I've fallen since my last fall post? A lot because I can't even recall the amount of bruises. How many of those times did people stop to help me? Only in queer, POC spaces.
I'm part of the problem too! I spent my early 20s angry and depressed because I was still trying to surrender to my disabilities. I am not a fan of the word “regrets,” I prefer “life lessons.” I hated straight, white men after my SA from Luke Moore before the pandemic. I kept fucking them, but I hated myself for it. It wasn't until I met G who reintroduced me to kink and BDSM and we were besties for at least 2 years (oof, the older you get, the more you do forget) and that's a story for my book, but let's just say that G really showed me my love for sex and power dynamics. Which leads me to my current partner, 111 (I want them as anonymous as possible). We have known each other since 2018 and have only recently realized that we've only fucked less than 5 times over the span of 5-6 years. Now, we are finally in a place where they live walking distance from me. Don't get me wrong, I still love my space, but surrendering myself with ease to them felt so natural and safe. My concept of love has been so warped, from the teleseryes I watched when I was a kid and being Filipino. We're a very romantic culture; one of my favorite songs is “Harana” (serenade) by Parokya Ni Edgar. Think of it as Romeo declaring his love and Juliet is looking down from her balcony. According to The Asian Journal:
”Harana, as the song introduces, is an old Philippine tradition of courtship in which a man bears his heart in song to a woman (and sometimes vice versa), while standing underneath her window at night.”
By being with 111, I learned to surrender to any kind of love that I want in my life. Love is intentional and takes effort; like a plant that needs water, soil, repotting when the roots start to poke out the pot, and constant care (plant mother for almost 5 years now). I also learned a lot of this passively through my surrendering to knowledge.
I love learning, and to be honest, I believe I will never stop learning. It's a privilege to be educated. My mother surrendered her entire life to fulfill the life that she wanted for her family now; happily retired in the Philippines with my father (they go on weekly dates) and she is living her best life. This woman can drive in the Philippines, but is too anxious about safer American roads where she learned how to drive!? She's very independent and privileged to still have my mother, I cannot ignore her hatred and disappointment in me because of my life choices. I recently surrendered to her narcissistic ways, including my brother/caretaker/housemate’s similar triggering traits: vocal tone, reactionary and defensive, cocky, and for two CPAs, where is the accountability?! For the past 4 years, my brother and I have balanced each other out and have immensely improved our communicating skills, but sometimes, the inner child in me gets scared when he reverts to our mother’s traits of narcissism and I am left feeling small. Isn’t that life though?
One should never have to feel unsafe in their homes/communities. Therefore, dividing us, the people of the United States of America, the place where my parents thought we'd have a better life.
I am my family's resilience.
I have helped my communities and will continue to be better.
All of my life experiences have led me to surrender myself to others as a sex coach and trauma expert.
I am capable of knowing when I need rest so I can keep going.
I will never stop until, hopefully, I am an old, happy hag surrounded by the children I helped raise and the people I love.
To surrender is to rest up before the battle begins.
