The Precipitation of Disability
I love the rain; the pitter-patter sound of each droplet hitting my roof, the Earthy scent it brings, and the rain heavily reminds me of the light flooding in the Philippines which allowed me to play in the water during my childhood home life in the Philippines. Since disability though, the rain means inaccessibility. It means staying at home without food, at times, and ration. Sometimes, I sleep to avoid eating lunch. San Francisco is expecting light flooding today and if I needed food, I would need groceries delivered. I wish I had friends in the city (with cars) who will go grocery shopping for me. Mutual aid is still very hard to come by when other people in my life don't live in the city and, those who do live in the city are busy or can't afford the gas, etc. or I'm just bad at asking for help. The pattern trickles to depression and depression leading to unproductivity. I cannot afford to be unproductive right now. Since I quit my job, my SSI money is basically my tuition (I'm on a 15-month payment plan). To stress me out more, the module I'm currently on is all about the business side of sex coaching; taxes, budgeting, conscious spending, local laws, etc.
Adding to the stress, my family always talks about money. 3 of my immediate family members, my mother and 2 brothers (including the one that currently controls my financial life. My SSI money goes to HIS bank account), are accountants and in the Philippines, it is one of the hardest exams to be certified in public accountancy. They used to publicly publish the names of those who passed until there was an uptick in suicide rates for those who didn't pass. I truly believe if accounting wasn't this competitive, Filipinos would be known more for being accountants than nurses.
If you asked anyone how I was doing, on the outside, I am calm and contained; I haven't even cried because my antidepressants won't let me! Inside my head is a different story. It's starting to cause physiological problems now like insomnia, lethargy, and imposter syndrome. The last one being the hardest to overcome especially when I don't see a steady flow of income.
