Time Heals Most Traumas
As trauma work and healing expands in the world, so does time. My body forgot about my molester’s birthday and I'm so happy because it took me so long for my mind and body to heal. I didn't even remember the exact date and, more beautifully, my caretaker now knows how to talk to me about my molester. Who knew that calling out a family member almost a decade ago would prove fruitful in the present? Who knew that doing the work actually works? I'm so very ecstatic about this new version of myself. A more self-aware, calmer self. Someone who no longer experiences severe anxieties when leaving home; I am unafraid nowadays because I know my communititties have my back like I have theirs.
My caretaker got into another medical emergency — he was bit by a dog. Considering I majored in physiology, a dog bit a chunk off my lip when I was 3 (thank THEORETICAL GOD I don't have a fear of dogs), and have been bitten by so many pets, I looked at his wound and deemed it non-urgent. We don't live in the Philippines anymore and we literally live in a major city, Sa Francisco. However, he has a new healthcare provider and a trip to the ER would cost him ≈$2k. His car already got stolen, work shit, life shit, moving, and has to monitor his stress because the last time I took him to the ER, he exhibited heart attack-like symptoms. Additionally, he has to take time off in mid-April to go to drive to Richmond, only to prove my disability after years of being approved by Medi-Cal and Social Security (fuck you all, Trump dictators et. al). No longer are the days of catastrophizing because I have nothing to lie about with my disability. If they take it away, I will fight back. Mirroring my current kapwa humans, celebrating the downfall to the insignificant scum, Rodrigo Duterte.
The downfall of the former Philippines’ dictator is finally happening, along with his shameful VP of a daughter, Sarah Duterte, to get their comeuppance. My family is literally being brought together by their downfall, pointing and laughing at the Duterte supporters. Many are not surprised due to his best friendship with Trump. I am so excited about Trump's admin downfall because of Duterte's downfall, familiar feelings to music devil, Sean Diddy Combs. People are tired and fighting back. It may not seem like it, but the news only focuses on the current bad. The media rarely focuses on the good happening daily. Survivorship taught me that. We're all survivors of this goddamn planet. If you haven't experienced loss or trauma, buckle up because you will need to heal. People need to understand and reflect on their actions on others. For example, I've learned to love thy enemies (or shock them with humor and facts), more importantly, see how clownish people can be. Both in a good and bad way. I choose to be a good clown that entertains and doesn't scare people. Everyone has their own battles and we need to be more cognizant of that. Will I still get mad at people? Yes, I'm human, but I will forgive if you allow me the time and space to heal.
Healing is a major trigger word in my community and outsiders still do not know what it means. It does not mean all the pain goes away, it just fades over time, if you allow healing in. I’ve seen the downfalls of many mental healths in my stubborn, Filipinx family because it didn’t work for them. Did they actually try? Healing means doing the work, and for me, it was a lot of unlearning. Unlearning the toxic family dynamics, perfectionism, narcissism, and the audacity of my family to not listen. That’s why I’m the recluse of the family, which I prefer because I am too old for bullshit people in my life. I’m questioning if I’ll cry at my mother’s funeral, but I’ll definitely sob at my father’s. I understand that they are getting old and I have to pick and choose my battles when I’m around them, but I can still help those who my mother affects daily. She has thrown chairs at students. She thinks she is a good person, but you do not brag about your donations and being a good samaritan. Just be a good person ffs. Everyone will benefit or just shut the fuck up.
Sigh. Whether or not things will positively change, I’ll be here not shutting the fuck up.
