My Return To The Stage

I remember learning tap dancing for a part in my high school production of The Brain From Planet X when I played the sensually, horny-for-humans, alien species. I love playing the villain because I never get to do villainous things (at least to those who don't deserve it)! In my opinion, villains always have more intricate storylines (and better songs) than the heroes of the story. They present more nuances to the protagonist, creating creative scenarios and timeless tunes like Poor Unfortunate Souls from The Little Mermaid or Friends On The Other Side from The Princess And The Frog (ironically, where the only black Disney princess is an amphibian throughout most of the movie). I still remember being devastated when my mother gave away my Disney VHS Collection that was probably worth a good amount of money. I still have the VHS tape of The Little Mermaid displayed on my plant shelf and sleep with Nala, a baby lioness my brother bought me when I was a child. Though, I am not a Disney adult and see the capitalism Disney instills, I still appreciate my Disney-ass childhood because I Won't Say I'm In Love from Hercules really speaks to my current ace/aro identity. 

I realized that I am a person who never wants to stop evolving. I'm always finding myself bored when things become stagnant or monotonous. Last Friday night, I performed in front of a crowd and successfully entertained them. Listen, I'm Asian and like to succeed in the things I'm passionate about and I certainly do not perform things half-assed. However, I had to improvise my set to a linear timeline because that was the format of the show; a night of horror sex and hook-up storytelling called, “About Last Night.” Thankfully, I've never been shy and always down to try something new. It's always the anticipation of performing that makes me nervous, but once I'm on the stage, I get lost in my own world.  No one else matters except for me. I'm commanding a room. It feels so powerful and that's exactly what I need right now: power within. 

Performing has always been a career path in my family because my father was often an unpaid extra in a movie and then he got into the finals of a television singing competition. One of my Tita's literally looks like the classic Filipino movie star beauty, Marilyn Monroe-esque, beauty mark, elegance and everything. Alas, anxiety forced my father to dropout of the singing competition, despite being an exceptional singer (classic Frank Sinatra-like vocals and inexplainable harmonizing skills). I also experience anxiety, but I did not want to be my father, repressing my creativity due to fear of failure. I push through the anxiety and purposefully work hard to know my lines and appropriate cues. Not only those aspects, but I’m doing it for self-progress, self-esteem, self-care, and pure joy. That's the inner hard-working Filipino in me; I take performing seriously because it is my lifeline. 

I've also been doing drag and am performing again at the end of the month! Tap C.(unty) Log is my altar ego (yes, that's how we spell it. The purpose is for creating freedom to try something new and to not be afraid of failing, creating community along the way), named after my childhood nickname, “Tapsilog,” a Filipino meat, egg, and rice dish that I had for the first time during my last visit in December 2023. Yo, my nickname is delicious and that's how I want my drag persona to be! If you told me 4 years ago that I'd be paid to unapologetically tell funny, traumatic sex stories, I would've laughed and cried in front of you. Now, I'm embracing this new chapter of returning to the stage! Additionally, one of the best parts is that I know for a fact that I am funnier than my rapist comedian ex because I heard more laughter at my paid gig than his sets. More incredibly, he did not pop up in my head until now. AND MOST INCREDIBLY, MI MAMA ASKED ME WHEN MY NEXT GIG IS? Of course, it is because I’m making money…