Mental Illness, Trauma & Me
Usually, around November to April, I am deeply depressed due to past traumas. I wanted to share a quote that I found really insightful from a presentation: “the shame never goes away, but it just gets manageable." For me, sexual shame is experienced when I'm being bombarded with denial from others of my experience with sexual trauma. Considering I was a child when the sexual trauma happened, I ask my family, "why don't you care? Do you even love me?” I spiral into my thoughts and become extremely reactive to my environment, which does not help my work. Over the years, yes, my traumas have subsided, but are still ever present, especially knowing that my abuser (bio-brother closest to my age) is married. My molester’s (I do not claim him as my brother) child, who I took care of because Filipinx family members often take care of our own for free labor, turns 18 this August and I intend on telling him all the details of his father's abuse because I've seen the abuse he has caused his family. I don't understand why people get mad at me for simply trying to have conversations with the youth about sexual safety. Isn't it our responsibility to keep the vulnerable safe? Children have little-to-no agency, so why don’t we listen and believe them? No, because I live on planet Earth in 2024, in this specific universe.
I've been doing my best to cope, but the idea of killing myself after my 30th (not during the holiday season, maybe towards my molester’s birthday) because I'll be broke and it's not anywhere near anyone I love’s birthday. My savings have dwindled due to the potential scam of my “sex coaching training," and I'm having trouble finding clients for free coaching. If I can't even get clients for free, how am I going to be a financially "successful” individual? It does not help that my family still talks for me when I am the one experiencing the disabilities. I am the one facing these challenges and when I try to get the tiniest bit of autonomy, they remind me, “Ilah, you don't even know who to call." I do, but you're too controlling for me to even think about becoming a disability advocate for others and be able to provide free advice to those who are newly disabled. Navigating disability in the USA is so difficult, I literally want to off myself every time it’s a new day.
Being disabled isn't hard, but living and navigating in a world where the system and society was created against you is. The way they phrase questions are meant to be against the disabled. I have been legally disabled since 2016, 8 years of navigating this hellhole of a system and even found out some non-disability related issues. For example, did you know that you have to go to a social security office to change your citizenship if you are naturalized? My caretaker and I found this out when my he had to take time off (SSS offices are closed on weekends) to switch to him being my primary caretaker because we were told I would receive more benefits (I didn't and now I have to beg my caretaker to give me my money without being questioned like I'm being questioned for double-murder).
In about 2 months, I'll be broke and still be a disappointment to my family. I haven't left my house in 2 weeks due to my anxiety about people. Ever since COVID, I have fears of leaving the house, but also, what the fuck is there to do without money!? Even if I go to the park, that requires money for gas, snacks, and a guarantee of returning to no parking near my own home. Go for a walk? I live downtown and every week I see a new headline about a dead, unhoused POC walking distance from my house. There isn’t a day where I think about a shooter being on my street and the problems aren’t from drug dealers, but with the government. My biggest issue isn't with me, but the way people treat others. I live on a street-leveled window and hear the atrocious comments from the privileged about how they wished to get rid of the unhoused; even my family thinks like this and it disgusts me that they forgot they were once in that position. Where has the empathy gone? It's not present anymore. I don't see it.
