Masking 101
I hate masking and have fully embraced myself, but that does not guarantee my safety in the trip to the Philippines, literally tonight around midnight [currently 11am on Nov. 27, 2023]. Which is why I've decided for my mental, physical, and emotional safety, I'm going to have to mask my entire personality. I don't want to waste my energy arguing with family members who refuse to listen to my struggles. They will never understand until they themselves come out as queer or non-monogamous or. drastically become disabled. I will just shut the fuck up, read, write, work, and eat. I'm also worried about relapsing and realizing that my access to medication is a gigantic hurdle when traveling. Once you become disabled, there’s no manual. I have repeatedly mourned over the loss of my body through the last 7 years of my life, reclaimed it after years of self-loathing, but my family thinks I’m being “too much” whenever I respectfully tell others that I could have a better life if the disability laws are properly adjusted to living a happy and healthy life [ex: calling out a lady at the airport who didn’t know I understood Tagalog at NAIA {Ninoy Aquino International Airport} and said she felt sorry for me and I responded with “I am fluent in Tagalog, tita, please apologize.”]. I’m hoping that my family sees me suffering, the neglect and turned heads from other humans, remind them how we became the people that we are, and finally realizing what it's like to be in my disabled body.
What is masking? “Masking, as a coping mechanism, involves concealing one’s true emotions, thoughts, or struggles as a way to navigate social situations or cope with internal difficulties.” Many queer, neurodivergent, mentally-ill, and people with invisible disabilities (chronic pain, back injury, concussions, suicidal ideation, etc.) are incredibly marginalized groups. The unhoused population is strongly affected by these factors due to the mistreatment of the government. Hence, we tend to see the downfall of society by neglecting our veterans, healthcare workers, and hell, even actors are being affected! Which leads me to think, can I be openly and authentically myself in the Philippines whilst staying safe? I don't think so… Having to hide my true and, essentially, unapologetic and authentic self will take me 10 steps back in my progress towwards self-improvement. I'll have to bite my lip and hopefully not draw blood in order to survive. If you didn't know already, the Marcos regime has returned to the Philippines (think about Trump/Pence, but add in dictatorship and religion). Considering Marcos’ father (Snr.) was a literal dictator, “martial law saw at least 3,257 extrajudicially killed, 35,000 tortured, 70,000 unjustly detained and close to 1,000 persons involuntarily disappeared on the pretext of ‘saving the nation’ and ‘forming a new society.’” These numbers are beyond comprehension and additionally, “we must stand against Marcos Jr.’s repressive measures, just as we stood against the Marcos Sr. dictatorship of the past. From the regime of the dictator-father to that of the son, we have endured and fought against tyranny.” I can't fight back if I'm dead. I have to mask.
I leave tonight for the Philippines and my heart is beating so fast, but that just might be my recent caffeine intake. I can't stop thinking how much this trip will mentally challenge me, but I'm still excited to see my niece, eldest nephew who was born when I was less than 5 years old, and eat meat again! This will be the first holiday season since immigrating from the Philippines in the year 2000. Dear Goddesses, please keep me sane during my stay in an incredibly traumatic setting. Oh and no plane drama, please! OR MAYBE YES TO PLANE DRAMA BECAUSE THAT SHIT IS GOING VIRAL RIGHT NOW. Ttyitp; talk to you in the Philippines!
