What I ACTUALLY Did When I Was Triggered…
TW: SEXUAL ASSAULT, RAPE, DRUG USE, ALCOHOL, EATING DISORDERS
On Friday, Sept. 22, 2023, one of my good friends was doing stand up for the very first time at an open mic at the Slate bar. I was so upset that I was too stiff to attend, but then she sent me a picture of one of my rapists. If you want to know the story, everything you need to know are in these YouTube videos and Twitter threads. If you don't believe me, you can stop reading here because my own family members didn't believe my own brother could molest me, when I have told them that most survivors know their abusers and/or assaulters.
I was hit with acute PTSD the following day and literally tried to distract myself with drugs, alcohol, and horror movies. Considering I didn't have money left for food, I slept my hunger away. My friend came over with shrooms and I don't think people know that I like to take drugs in an environment I can control. Which, unfortunately, is in my own home because I know how my home works for me. I'm sure it's my internalized ableism that makes me withhold my communication with others on this subject, but I've also noticed that shrooms tend to stiffen my muscles. I've done some research and couldn't find anything relating to muscle stiffness, if not I found the opposite; shrooms are muscle relaxers. Microdosing on shrooms not only increases my productivity, but it also avoids me from taking more naps and generally gives me energy to do my everyday tasks. I acknowledge that I abuse alcohol, but only when I'm "not busy," and that in itself is a problem. But we're not here to talk about drugs! We're here to talk about my rapist ex and how surprisingly over it I am.
I'm a Scorpio who likes revenge and heavily believes in karma. Scorpios are stereotyped "evil" or most "passionate," "intensely emotional," people (my father figure/brother is also a Scorpio and he doesn't even go to therapy! He's raw-dogging life)! I will fit the stereotype if my loved ones are being threatened. But I'm also soft and mentally-ill who is a survivor of many things, but in this story, we're talking about sexual abuse (particularly) rape. This man, I refuse to say his name because he doesn't need the spotlight. In fact, he's still doing open mics and his bit was all about being broke and having to move back to Austin, TX. Barf 🤢.
I woke up yesterday, Sunday, feeling lighter and that was my indicator that he no longer has a hold on me. I am no longer triggered whenever I see apple cider vinegar because he would drink that every morning (my ex bestie also did it for the health benefits and I did too for a while). I specifically remember when I still repressed the memory of the assault and didn't know why I was frozen in a grocery aisle while looking at apple cider vinegar. It's all so clear to me now and I'm moving on. Luke Moore is no longer in my life, but I will continue to dox him because we both don't have money for a lawyer.
PLEASE, IF YOU LIVE IN THE BAY AREA, SPREAD THE WORD BECAUSE I DO NOT KNOW IF HE IS STILL A SUBSTITUTE TEACHER.
