Word Vomit: Depression or Genuine Suicidal Ideation?

The holidays are coming and so are the ugly thoughts of suicide. I like being alone; I prefer it and I cannot be around others for long periods of time. Additionally, my mother is here and she makes me feel so small. I know that I am in control of my own feelings, but when your own mother is so petty and narcissistic, I can't help but revert back to self-harm. Yesterday, I was self-harming in public. I started crying in my wheelchair because my brother snapped and said some hurtful words to me. The difference between my brother and narcissistic mother is that we apologize to each other. My mother has never apologized for her hurtful tongue. She also needs to be the victim all the time and always has to have it the worst. Even my brother has been brought to tears and verbally said, “mommy, please! I just want you to listen," followed by her dismissal and comforting him. I do not understand why he thinks he owes/loves her so much when he has shared physical abuse and neglect from the person who is supposed to protect you. My father only likes children when they're small, but ignores them when they don't grow up to what he wants. Unlike my unmaternal parent, I don't think she ever wanted children because she loved work. This dangerous duo have successfully fucked up all their offspring by procreating. They had children for superficial reasons and justify their abuse with our family's rags to riches story. I don't care and I wish I was never born.

I want to die.

I wish I was never born.

Maybe, it's best for me to le

ave.