I think it's time to retire from Instagram…

Last year, I blogged about leaving the internet. This year, at this very moment, I want nothing more than to remove myself from my online life. As the world turns to shit, the more I see the atrocities of humans online. I get angry and question how humanity can be so cruel. Meanwhile, when I'm not online, I'm filled with joy, connection, and fulfillment out of in-person events. I love spending time alone, while occasionally being an extrovert. I want to be intentional with my online presence, but still be true to myself. But whenever I open Instagram, it's simply reflex, not because of desire. Sure, the memes are gold and my communities are amazing, but I can't tolerate seeing all the negativity and injustice towards humanity; I already get that from real life. So I'm at a stalemate, therefore, I'm going to do what I do best and write about the pros and cons of being on online. From the atrocities of Meta to Amerikan censorship, my mental health has severely been affected by these changes. However, I've also done so much good and can do more with my growing online presence. But at what cost? So I did what I do best… a pros and cons list.

Cons: 

The increased threat of being online is a true concern for me now. I live in San Francisco, a city where I constantly cross paths with the same people. Most are good, but I've had stalkers and genuine threats. I had a stalker back when I was still active on Onlyfans and they told me they knew where I lived. They had found my address online and thankfully, it was the house I spent most of my life in Pittsburg, CA; I was already living in SF. I try my hardest to be so fearlessly transparent and authentic online, but as my presence increases, so do the threats of harm. This is why I record without showing the background of my location and have started tagging locations after leaving said location. The fear of being harmed is real to me, especially as a disabled WOC.

Seeing how awful and divided people have become truly devastates me. Since the ongoing pandemic, I have noticed how divided people are more than ever. For example, everything is behind a paywall now. I'm part of at least 4 online communities where I pay to be a part of a community. The internet used to be so free, in all aspects. With a tremendous increase in censorship, corporate companies creating paywalls, I feel my internet communities are like cliques. Everything seems to be about money and I hate it. Not only is my bank account suffering, but this is only dividing us more. I want a free internet, like my old neopets or non-existent streaming services. Where'd all the free shit go? 

Freedom of speech, where? I can't even speak my truth without being censored or someone threatening me and it's not because I'm posting heinous content. I am a storytelling activist because I cannot physically go to protests. I started doing stand-up comedy and I am loving it because I don't have to hide behind a screen. I speak about what I experience and know to be true. I get censored while racists and transphobes rise to the top. Reversely, the only activists I consistently see online have dwindling views and stagnant followers. Why? Oh yeah, because of the sucky Zucc. 

Burnout. I grew up on the Internet. Friendster, Myspace, Neopets, Club Penguin, Maple Story, and Gaia Online were my online playgrounds. I am 31 and I have seen every phase of the internet; old YouTube, 4chan, and Tumblr. I only use one of those three today and YouTube is so fucked. The wrong people get bumped up and platformed, while the true heroes are censored. I don't want to hate the internet, but I hate the current censorship the internet has. Freedom of speech, where!? I feel like China has more online unity than Amerika at this very moment! I'm fucking exhausted.

Now let's move on to the current positive impacts of the net. 

Pros: 

Increased visibility and social change. There is no doubt that the internet has helped marginalized groups and increased visibility with many. Hell, I wouldn't be alive if it weren't for the internet. The disabled, queer/trans, BIPOC, ethical and qualified educators, and survivors are literally changing the world behind their screens. Even just being open and honest online can provide an iota of hope for a desperate individual who is seeking community and validation. I know because I've seen it and have provided community and validation through my platform and work. I try to help at least one person a day, regardless of how small. And when someone thanks me for feeling seen and validated, I am often brought to tears. For example, whenever I feel sad and hopeless, I watch my YouTube videos because I see how many people I've helped just by sharing my stories and how I overcame my traumas [CW: SA]. I know that the internet has helped a lot of people, including myself. 

People. Like Barbra Streisand said, people who need people are the luckiest people. For those who are unable to live traditional lives like myself, (disabled, solo-poly, unmarried and never want to marry, child-free, etc.) the internet is literally my world. I have about no more than 4 constant people in my real life outside of family, but a plethora of online family. I know I'm loved by people I have never met and those who I have met through the internet in real life are always a delightful treat. People are often surprised at how tall I truly am and that amuses me. I love people. I wouldn't have met my current solo-poly partner of 7+ years if it weren't for Tinder. Even though we are solo-poly, we always find our way back to each other and I think that's beautiful. 

Personal growth and change. The internet has helped me see other POVs and how to respect differing opinions. It has taught me how to not use AAVE, being a better partner/friend/human, becoming a certified sexologist, and a functioning person in society. Without the internet, I most likely would have never heard of PMDD, wouldn't have seen so many different perspectives, and be ignorant on certain topics. I am who I am through the internet. I've touched many (pun intended and unintended) through the world wide web. Do I want to keep doing it? Like I said, I'm tired. 

Conclusion: 

Since I have renewed my website for another year, I might leave Instagram and use my website as me own platform. This'll be a major test for me next year, but I want to try. I want to be the 5-yo who dedicated themselves to stop drinking milk from a bottle even though I couldn't sleep. I want to ween myself off the Instagram, but still keep my profile. I'm not asking you to pay to see me and this is not goodbye. This isn't goodbye, but a see you elsewhere and hello to the newbies who are seeing this website for the first time. 

I truly hope you stay.