This Is My Body On Stress…
Ever since I learned that it may have been my extreme heartache and stress that could have caused my disability, I have chilled out for the past few years. Yes, that is a theory my beloved, second therapist told me. Her theory was that my body was essentially in "shock" after my first love ended things. I became severely depressed after the break up and specifically taking a Portland trip with my family and they were wondering why I was so floaty (which now I know is called dissociation)! She's also the same therapist who encouraged me to research about marijuana and its antiinflammatory benefits. My fact-based, nerd brain went into research mode and found a plethora of scientific papers to back up her claims. I've also learned that stress can literally alter your genetics. IT'S TRUE! OUR GENES CAN MUTATE! Unfortunately, it's also how we get cancer annd other unwanted mutations. I know when I'm stressed; increase in acne, moodiness, anxiety, and generally all over the place. I cannot focus on one major thing when I'm stressed. Some take cigarette breaks, others distract themselves with chores, but I tend to my plants. I've been hyper-focused and distracted that my plants are literally dying because of root rot, due to overwatering (RIP in peace Albus, my monstera albo). I post these on Mondays to keep me accountable and I had no idea what I was going to write. Here I am, talking about how stressed I am and how it's manifesting in my usually-timely body. I have an upcoming MRI next Friday and I heard Mercury is in Retrograde again and I'm feeling burnt out.
My periods have been late or I have to induce it somehow to stay regulated. I usually just take glass or surgery-grade metal dildos or use my Clutch, masturbate while focusing on cervical stimulation and orgasms. See, I know my body so well, that I know exactly how to induce my period. My nipples become extra sensitive a week or two prior to the onset of my menses. I have adult acne now which is just an annoyance more than anything. Having to buy more products isn't really ideal for me so, unfortunately, the acne is going to stay because I do not have the resources to update or upgrade my skin routine. Stress really did me dirty with the timing on this one. At least I hit puberty at 28, but that’s for another post!
Bringing me to my next point, I have so many things to do before the end of the year, all before I go to the Philippines on November 28. I have to renew my SSI or disability benefits (because permanent brain damage isn't proof enough) or I will lose them, call every flight/airport/etc. for boarding accommodations, find a person to water my plants, my Halloween sexual professions party and updates, get the right amount of medication for my trip, my besties' baby shower, and my SAR (Sexual Attitudes Reassessment) in September. Amongst other things, I'm living alone for a month due to my brother's European adventure (I think I have another escape room in November).
Compared to my other family members though, I have to say I'm one of the best at stress management. I don't jump to negative conclusions, unlike my mother who is already worried when she hears the phone ring (already expecting something bad to happen); my mother needs Ativan in drip IV form. Even though he denies it, my brother is just as anxious as our mother, he's just better at hiding it. Side note: only 2 family members, both accountant brothers, have visited me in a mental health facility or at least in a 5150 hospital hold. I'm very open about my mental health and needs with my family and I do not care if they're feelings get hurt because I will always choose my mental health first before appeasing anyone. My family admits they're mentally not well, but have never seeked treatment. My gambling addict brother was held in a hospital, got treatment, and relapsed. But that's the thing about addiction, when you're down in the dumps, feeling like shit, and stressed out of your mind, the peace that death offers sometimes entices me. This is how powerfully destructive stress can be.
