Becoming a Mother in 6th Grade
TW: CHILD SEXUAL ASSAULT/ABORTIONS & UNWANTED PREGNANCIES
I simply cannot wait another year to talk about my nephew because he turned 17 yesterday. I promised myself I wouldn't display him on my Instagram until he was 18, but he's so mature and I was so worried we had drifted apart. He is my child because I raised this beautiful boy and I'm so happy he's nothing like his father. My first memory was of my nephew's father, first sexual assaulter, and also happens to be my blood brother closest which is 10 years my senior. I'm not going to rip open healed wounds, but instead give you insight on ending generational trauma and the people I had to remove from my life in order to end toxic cycles… and I'm fucking proud of myself.
I was present when my nephew was born, let's call him Sammy for anonymity and ease. Sammy was born in 2006, a Leo, and my newest best friend. Him and his mother, let's call her Pia, moved in with us (at the time, there was mommy, daddy, my molester [let's call him Luke, named after a SF comedian who raped me]) in 2006 and we all became super close. I even learned how to use a breast pump! Yeah, my shitty molester made me do it to embarrass both me and the mother of his child, but it is what it is, right mother? Side note, if you’re not familiar with tallasianchick lore, my mother is a sly misogynist and chismosa [gossip]; she often critiques the women in my family and defends her shitty sons. Therefore, I was taught to close my legs while my brothers were forgiven for impregnating so many women; there are two abortions that I know about and she seemed to have forgotten about those two too. Did I mention my second oldest brother's gambling addiction too? FOCUS, ILAH, FOCUS!
Where were my parents? The grandparents were busy working too. My dynamic with my Sammy has always been aunt and godmother; nicknamed "tinang," a mashup of "tita," meaning aunt, and "ninang," the Tagalog word for godmother. This is Filipino culture due to Spanish influence and colonization, slowly erasing indigenous groups and the beautiful, genuine human diversity. So what do you get when you combine your stubborn, misguided elders with lack of accessibility to the Internet and refusal to learn (or unlearn)? You get my parents who are very similar to the Filipino immigrant experience that almost every Filipino child in America experiences. The Filipino-American experience of prioritizing school over mental health, unknown belongingness, and never being good enough, or adversely, being "too much." I fall under the last category, someone willing to sacrifice my place within the family, which is filled with abuse and unhealthy patterns of behaviors, and ending these family-breaking mentality. I'm here to end the cycle.
When I finally received my license at 18, my retired father became the primary caregiver to his grandchildren. I was also beginning college and I wanted to be a working student like my mother! I wanted to understand her struggle, minus the children; I'm the second sibling who is pursuing a Master's. I have always been a caretaker (before becoming disabled) so I figured I could be a babysitter. It paid well, kids love me, and I could make my own schedule. I genuinely love being around children because they are the funniest humans due to having zero filters. The parents also loved me and when I'm feeling down, I sometimes read my old reviews on the original babysitting website. I wonder where some of them are now and whom I left an impact on. Kids also give me hope. My niece from another brother is 14 years old and is so mature for her age; and I like to take credit for that. Same with Sammy whom I learned is saving his sexual debut at college because he wants to focus on his studies. Prior to yesterday, the 20th, I hadn't seen Sammy in a year. I was so shocked to hear how deep his voice has gotten and how time didn't change our dynamic. It was like picking up where we left off and I loved the energy.
I remember my last child that I babysat and I was already disabled (I could still walk without a brace so this was really early in my disability process). Located in Oakland, the job was a total of no more than 3 consecutive days. I would walk with her stroller to Lake Merritt to go to the playground in the summertime. This child was also a struggle and curveball for me. For some reason, she didn't like me until the last day where the child had a tantrum when I left. It was also the part of Oakland that had steady and progressively challenging hills. It was a hot day, I had a stubborn child to keep safe, and I could feel my body trying to keep itself together. That's when I knew I couldn't babysit anymore. I cried on my ride home.
I'm child-free, not because I'm disabled, but because I have already experienced raising a child. Additionally, the people in my life are already popping out babies and I truly believe in the saying, “it takes a village.” Similarly to my brother/father figure with his experience with me being born when he was 16. I am his child; I actually asked him recently if he loved me more or his best friend (who is an Italian living in Ireland) and without hesitation or doubt on his face, he said me. I was so relieved, but not shocked when I heard those validating words. He and I actually started a lot of the nicknames for our niblings and I'm so happy that my brother/father figure and I were successful in helping the world have a better future.
I went back to my old account and screenshotted some of my favorite families and kiddos!
