Achievements and Lessons of 2024
Out of the 13 written goals I had in the beginning of 2024, 6 were accomplished, but many more were also completed, such as becoming a novice en español. My biggest, getting certified, was officially in June after my final payment. Paying my way through my dream career is probably my biggest achievement of my life, besides staying alive! I don't think it has really hit me yet because I have been in the sex industry for over 5 years since I graduated from Sex Coach U from their 15-month sex coaching and business program. To be honest, I only needed to do the business part and certification as a sex coach and I do believe there are more options for future students as SCU is constantly and internally evolving. I will add that it is always better to go into a certification program that you’re already interested in and know a lot because it is very time-consuming and a lot of fucking work, even as someone who minored in human sexuality during my undergrad (CURSE YOU, SF STATE, FOR ALLOWING FOLX TO MAJOR IN HUMAN SEXUALITY STUDIES AFTER I GRADUATED. STOP ASKING ME FOR MORE MONEY).
That being said, after watching Anora and reading the lack of intimacy coordinator on set, this made me think of starting a new career path. As I mentioned in this video, I haven't done much research into becoming an intimacy coordinator because I know people in the acting industry/LA peeps (in general), but I really don't want to move to LA. Then I remembered kink.com is based in San Francisco, and thought, “do I really want to do this [pay for more training] again? I do know people in the industry.” Am I going to be in school forever? Do I want to be in school this year? No, because I want to save money, meet my Internet friends, have my first IRL workshop, and join a comedy and music group. Last year I spent a lot indoors because of the lack of energy and income. This year, I've already walked around downtown, went to the East Bay to see my Nanay Conching (short for Consolation) and drove by our first home in America, our old corner apartment. My brother and I reminisced on the times when we were the weird immigrants who brought a bucket for soaking our clothes in (babad) and going back and forth between our apartment and the laundry room. Looking back at my 2nd grade self staying in an apartment that I thought was huge because I was tiny, watching the stove and TV (placed on top of the box it came in [oh the early 2000s…]), I can definitely see echoes of my family's habits in me. I definitely want to continue these habits: weekly cleaning, walk breaks, doing things manually, discovering meditation in cooking, and truly maintaining my mental health over everything. That's probably the biggest thing I learned in my 20s, I am no help when I'm mentally incapacitated, even more so than my physical pain. I can push through the physical stuff, but I've lived with mental illness long enough to know when I am of no use to others. Maybe that’ll be a new endeavor in my 40s!
Boundaries or, simply excusing myself from a situation, is so impactful. I lost 2 of my best friends last year and I did so much self-reflection, peer coaching, journaling, asking for advice from those who know the 2 people and those who do not know them at all, and finally realizing that life is full of relationship fallouts. It is a subject my brother/housemate talk about all the time; why don’t we have friends? We do, but everyone is scattered around the globe and we’re all busy adults. AND THAT'S OKAY. As long as we are intentional, understanding, and accountable and learn from our actions. The world is full of many people! I'm likable, witty, honest (if asked with consent, can be brutally honest), and charming, but I don't tolerate bullies or people who use me anymore. I will no longer give time to those who gaslight me into feeling bad about myself or only want a transactional friendship/relationship. I’ve even cut off ties my nephews who are adults because they are exhibiting the same abusive, cheating, and manipulative traits. I’ve mourned them and they can come back when they’ve changed or truly seeking for help to change. I'm too tired and old for drama; I am not my mother. I'll observe, shut the fuck up, or intervene if there is a possibility of harm to others. THAT'S IT.
Last year was all about healing and managing my mental health. This year, I feel a new grasp on life, despite what the news always portrays. I recently talked to my niece in the Philippines who just turned 16 and is an expecting older sister to a little brother. I asked if she was excited and she told me she was because she has always wanted to take care of a younger brother. Sound familiar? One of my nephews has a January birthday and I asked his older brother what he likes now (no contact until he's 18 because he's the child of my molester). He sent me this picture. Why are Legos so expensive now!? Shit. Why is happiness so expensive!? It took me a decade to manage my traumas and triggers, learn how to navigate life and sneaking around the Amerikan government, not care what others think of me, and have the energy to love life. Despite all the obstacles, my goal this year is to monthly make a positive change with how I think about money, in any way: donating, supporting a small biz, volunteering, attending smaller shows, and just not being such a homebody. I am capable of living my life outside my home and the internet, whether it’s alone or not. I am literally a human cockroach, but clean!
A Part of My Inner Child Died Watching Lea Salonga Perform Live
Imagine this -- the youngest and only girl of 4 older brothers, throughout her Filipino life heavily identifying with Disney characters like Mulan and Jasmine. A newly 5-year-old US immigrant, dramatically navigating the struggles of growing up with a fast-paced, high standard and high achieving family, while learning and navigating two cultures. Reflection was my go-to song whenever I felt small around my family and I sang it a lot, usually ending up crying in the shower (one of my few escapes as I shared a room since 2006). Part Of That World by Jodi Benson is my most relatable Disney song because I grew up fantasizing about escaping my complex family. Looking back, I was emotionally, physically, and mentally abused by my narcissistic mother. I know that if abortions were legally and morally accepted in the Philippines, I wouldn't exist and a lot of my childhood was full of not wanting to be born.
I'm grown now.
Then I saw Lea Salonga live this past Saturday and it was the worst professional concert I've ever attended. I need to look into the genetics of singing, but I know an off note when I hear it and I'm only now realizing how dangerous this gift is to a music lover. Lea Salonga is no longer my Disney princess because of how bad her performance was. I understand that she is human and singers have their off days, like any job. However, as a Tony-award winner, I don't think you should read your spiel from a teleprompter. Lea, you're a Broadway star! You couldn't memorize your set when you've been doing theater since you were 7 and known for perfect pitch? My brother and I were sitting at the final standing ovation and heard all the praise during our 13-min wait for our Uber. We had to silently and unhappily stand there listening to people talk about how amazing it was. We talked in the Uber and was shocked at how much praise she was getting. “Ang galing (how amazing),” “iba talaga si Lea (Lea is definitely different [from the rest]),” and people comparing her to Mariah Carey (no diss to Mariah, but I only like ‘We Belong Together,’ so I was offended). We even gaslit ourselves by thinking, “are we crazy? She was off a lot,” then we realized that we would be shunned from the Filipino singing community if we ever posted this on Facebook because toxic fans who can't handle criticism of their faves without being brutally harassed online.
I can't separate the artist from the art, I recently realized. We're currently in an era of adults learning about the consequences of their abusers. As the internet kids get older, we’re learning more about the abuse of power. After the child SA allegations of Michael Jackson, I can't hear his music the same way. Same goes for Bill Cosby, Letitia Wright, Leonardo DiCaprio, Justin Timberlake, Mila Kunis and her husband, Ashton Kutcher (RIP to That 70s Show too). Those are just a few of so many celebrities and artists that I no longer wish to support. Which is why I pivoted to the mentality that celebrities are just glorified normal people. I've seen so many videos of people singing amazingly and they don't even want fame; we just sing because we love it! Let's face it, Hollywood is incredulously mediocre! Besides some big-budget gems, independent film companies, and POC musicians, most of them don't compare to other countries’ entertainment standards; a lot of Western music has black roots too (I'm talking to you, Mr. Elvis “culture-vulture” Presley). I've consumed my most diverse music content in the past 4 years; with the rise of international artists like Jessie Reyes, Bad Bunny, Kali Uchis, Stell and Pablo from SB19, and even some heavy metal music from my Canada road trip with my OGs since 03. I even enjoy casual to intricate instrumentals, including the subgenre that is bardcore. I love music! I cannot go a day without singing!
I reconnected with one of my brother's ex girlfriend when she found me on Instagram after going through the healing process of her break-up for the past 2 decades. I don't want to share her story because I promised her to not let anyone in my family know. This reconnection couldn't have been more perfect because I saw Lea and a slew of famous Filipino music royalty and artistry on her feed. I messaged my brother's survivor about my excitement of Lea and she told me to let me know what I thought. I shared and she mentioned some things going on in Lea’s life that may have affected her performance. As aforementioned, I understand that life will life. However, I would've preferred to have seen transparency and vulnerability at the very beginning from Lea, in order for me to fully understand why the performance was so mediocre. Either explain to your fans or cancel the tour.
On the other hand, mental health is heavily misunderstood, especially within Filipino communities. I also understand that Lea Salonga has no obligation to explain herself and I respect that. Though, I'd like to point to the little girl in 2000, crying in the shower after being bullied by my own family, and I cannot help, but feel disappointed. I have every right to feel this way and mourn that part of my inner child. Lea Salonga and I both have valid feelings, but there's still a power hierarchy; she has more resources and I don't. My brother was lucky enough to buy the tickets in advance for a much cheaper price and they were great seats. Lesson learned: I will not go to concerts for my favorites anymore unless they are explicit about the expectations of the concert. My heart cannot handle it and now I must repair my inner child’s broken heart.
How is the theme of “surrender” showing up in your life?
*This was originally a journal prompt, but I figured it’d make for a good blog entry.*
Surrendering doesn't always have to be a bad thing. In fact, I would say the theme of my 20s was surrendering. To me, surrendering provides us with new experiences; it's power within. I don't see my traumatic 20s as “bad,” but as life lessons I can pass down to lost youth. For example, I wanted my 30th to be stress-free because I am one anxious hoe, and I am so happy that my friends communicated to me well about self-care. I ended up spending time with a human that I love and who I feel safe with. I had to deeply deprogram my toxic concepts of love such as: fate/destiny/one true love, everything that media shoves in our sensory inputs, and, quite simply, communicating. We need to have these hard conversations, when our bodies are properly regulated; another one of my surrenders was becoming a trauma response and recovery specialist because I crave everflowing knowledge. I think the pandemic really changed how we interact with others, which led us to having a celebrity as a president (America is slowly becoming the Philippines and that scares me. The pandemic has led to a disconnect or divide, and become less empathetic to others. Do you know how many times I've fallen since my last fall post? A lot because I can't even recall the amount of bruises. How many of those times did people stop to help me? Only in queer, POC spaces.
I'm part of the problem too! I spent my early 20s angry and depressed because I was still trying to surrender to my disabilities. I am not a fan of the word “regrets,” I prefer “life lessons.” I hated straight, white men after my SA from Luke Moore before the pandemic. I kept fucking them, but I hated myself for it. It wasn't until I met G who reintroduced me to kink and BDSM and we were besties for at least 2 years (oof, the older you get, the more you do forget) and that's a story for my book, but let's just say that G really showed me my love for sex and power dynamics. Which leads me to my current partner, 111 (I want them as anonymous as possible). We have known each other since 2018 and have only recently realized that we've only fucked less than 5 times over the span of 5-6 years. Now, we are finally in a place where they live walking distance from me. Don't get me wrong, I still love my space, but surrendering myself with ease to them felt so natural and safe. My concept of love has been so warped, from the teleseryes I watched when I was a kid and being Filipino. We're a very romantic culture; one of my favorite songs is “Harana” (serenade) by Parokya Ni Edgar. Think of it as Romeo declaring his love and Juliet is looking down from her balcony. According to The Asian Journal:
”Harana, as the song introduces, is an old Philippine tradition of courtship in which a man bears his heart in song to a woman (and sometimes vice versa), while standing underneath her window at night.”
By being with 111, I learned to surrender to any kind of love that I want in my life. Love is intentional and takes effort; like a plant that needs water, soil, repotting when the roots start to poke out the pot, and constant care (plant mother for almost 5 years now). I also learned a lot of this passively through my surrendering to knowledge.
I love learning, and to be honest, I believe I will never stop learning. It's a privilege to be educated. My mother surrendered her entire life to fulfill the life that she wanted for her family now; happily retired in the Philippines with my father (they go on weekly dates) and she is living her best life. This woman can drive in the Philippines, but is too anxious about safer American roads where she learned how to drive!? She's very independent and privileged to still have my mother, I cannot ignore her hatred and disappointment in me because of my life choices. I recently surrendered to her narcissistic ways, including my brother/caretaker/housemate’s similar triggering traits: vocal tone, reactionary and defensive, cocky, and for two CPAs, where is the accountability?! For the past 4 years, my brother and I have balanced each other out and have immensely improved our communicating skills, but sometimes, the inner child in me gets scared when he reverts to our mother’s traits of narcissism and I am left feeling small. Isn’t that life though?
One should never have to feel unsafe in their homes/communities. Therefore, dividing us, the people of the United States of America, the place where my parents thought we'd have a better life.
I am my family's resilience.
I have helped my communities and will continue to be better.
All of my life experiences have led me to surrender myself to others as a sex coach and trauma expert.
I am capable of knowing when I need rest so I can keep going.
I will never stop until, hopefully, I am an old, happy hag surrounded by the children I helped raise and the people I love.
To surrender is to rest up before the battle begins.
Goodbye 20s, Hello 30s! TAC Is Leaving Social Media?!
As my 30th birthday approaches, the more my priorities are shifting. If you asked 20-year-old Ilah to get off Twitter, you couldn’t claw her HTC One (M10) smartphone [RIP to phones that do not conveniently get glitchy after a newer model is released]. I haven't been on Twitter since Elon Musky Monkey [no offense to our fellow primates, bonobos and chimps] bought it in October 2022. I did not have a problem leaving that platform because I barely had a voice on Twitter, but, nevertheless, it was where I initially outed rapist; Luke Moore. Someone from SFUSD contacted me through Twitter which led to me writing an affidavit on my sexual assault in 2019. Ultimately, I succeeded because I do not see his name in any comedy shows and I have not heard news from him since. So what's stopping me from deleting my Instagram? Time to make a pros and cons list!
PROS OF INSTAGRAM:
Instagram has been a reliable source of income for my main affiliate, Unbounbabes.
I've met a lot of people there that I (have or) intend on meeting in real life.
I've established my brand.
I've been chronically online since I was a child. Neopets, anyone? Is it finally time to leave?
More time for real world events.
MORE TIME, IN GENERAL.
CONS OF INSTAGRAM:
CENSORSHIT! I'm tired of all the workaround and extra work I have to do just to get my content seen.
Comments section is always garbage.
So celebs can get away with nipple pics, but my World Sexual Health Day post was flagged, even with “World Seggsual Health Day,” because the bots are getting developed by a bunch of scared ignoramuses?
I pay for ads, but all I get are creeps.
Most of my current clients didn't even find me on Instagram. They found me through local communities and most of my consistent clients identify as queer, kinky, and mentall-ill Asian womxn (even at work, I cannot escape myself).
Loss of tallasianchick leading to possible compromise of mental health due to a social media-heavy world we live in.
More isolation?
My content is limited to my followers so what's the point if I won't be seen by new eyes?
Bots, scammers, folks with bad intentions, and the constant disrespect/harm by white women and men.
I’M TIRED, EXHAUSTED, DEPLETED, AND, QUITE FRANKLY, FEEL LIKE I'M LIVING IN AN EFFETE WORLD WHENEVER I'M ON MY PROFESSIONAL INSTAGRAM.
So here's what's going to happen next; I will have tallasianchick deactivated until the end of the year. If I decide I can be successful without it, then I won't return. Or maybe just have it active as a business account and use it for just business and follow the rules, even though I hate these fucking rules. Or I could continue to use @tallasianchick, but I won't be myself anymore. The money is there, but the people aren't. It's time for me to leave the house and advertise myself offline for a bit.
Happy 30th birthday to me (November 1, 1994)! This next chapter of my life is going to be experimental as fuck and I'm going to be alive for it whether I'm online or not.
Life Maintenance (lately)
I'm at a point in my life where I feel stagnant and bored which are both terrible for me. I tend to partake in harmful behaviors like drinking alcohol on a Monday morning or sleeping all day. Currently, in my menstrual cycle, I'm in my luteal phase and for those who don't know; that's when my negative thoughts intensify due to PMDD. Boy, oh boy, do they intensify. Even if I'm feeling great during this cycle, I've had many “good times,” only to follow up with 3 consecutive cycles of pent up cortisol, only to be in surplus in 1 to 3 cycles. What's cortisol? It's our primary stress hormone.
My stress management has evolved throughout my life, adjusting to various stressors. My healthy stress management began when I started going to therapy and I was looking into cannabis use for pain relief because I did not want to take pain killers due to their addictive properties and had expressed my fears. I wasn't as research-heavy back then (this might have been the flip of a switch) as I am now; I will literally sit with and analyze my body, go onto Google Scholar, and find relevant articles and studies based on my specific concern. Medical professions have failed me in he past, causing medical trauma, and additional stress. This is what I do for work, so why can't I apply it to myself?
Stress management is simply life management because living is stressful right now, especially for marginalized groups. With the various genocides in countries (yes, including the USA because of its mass shootings and Slave Patrol, excuse me, I meant to say the modern day kkkops), and the 2024 election around the corner, I'm legitimately starting to hoard food and turn our crawl space/basement into a bunker. We already have first aid kits, hella bottled water, fire extinguishers on each level, my emergency latch through my street-level window, my brother has his emergency ladder on his hot ass balcony, and we even have an emergency car tool if our vehicles were to ever be in a body of water. Hell, we don't use ring cameras; we confuse our threats! I purposefully do not want to get an electronic ring camera door bullshit because that shit is hackable, annoyance through a stick wedged between the door and the tiled stairwell should deter any possible harms. But there's still one stressor that I can't avoid: people.
I'm extroverted… when I want to be.
I'm introverted… when I need to be.
I'm afraid of other people because of what I see in my everyday life and the people closest to you are usually your abusers and, in my case, specific dates are really fucking triggering. Curse this memory of mine when it comes to a specific times, dates and a difficult memories around fall. It’s called “fall” because I’m literally falling down an endless spiral staircase through the 30 years of my life thus far, passing through endless hurt, numbness, tears, and anger.
I'm debating whether or not to tell my now-18yo nephew who I have considered my surrogate son, and have a constructive conversation about what his father did to me. I’m hesitant because I truly felt nothing when I saw him at the graduation. Lastly, my nephew is about to start college and I do not want to add any stressors on him because he’s also dealing with his first heartache. I an only guide him from here on out and not force anything on him like my family did to me, except an emphasis on respecting women because theoretical God knows the men in my family are bafflingly abusive. Additionally, I cut off my eldest nephew because he wasn't accountable for his physical abuse towards his ex-girlfriend (like father, like son even when the father was absent. So upsetting). I'm also really close to cutting off my nephew who was shot in the face because he also hasn't been accountable and doesn't want to listen. I think I’m done? Am I? You would think with the number of accountants in my family, more accountability would be present. No, my caretaker just started saying please and thank you after almost 30 years of my existence. I’m not done, but I’m fucking exhausted by the unwillingness to heal.
As I said in the beginning, I get so bored easily, which is dangerous. That's why I'm leaning so hard on my communities because they've literally kept me alive. I don't want to keep people in my life who don't want to make the effort to be in it. I want reciprocity in terms of basic human respect. I use “I” statements in order to not put blame on the other parties. I have lost many friends and peers because of having tough conversations that need to be had, and they have failed. I'm tired and grown; I literally do not have the time, nor energy anymore. Time is the most important thing we have and I will choose and continue to choose who I spend my/our limited time with. This ain't my first rodeo; I analyze my friendships through annual reflections. Were they there for me when I was 5150ed? How do they act towards me and my disabilities, despite openly sharing that I know when to ask for help and expressing my internalized ableism? How do I know that you’re not going to ghost me? I respect and require brutal rejection so I can pass this hurt faster. I only have around 2-3 close friends now and I'm very happy with that because these bitches* are going to start their families within the next decade so I'm ready to be the sex positive Tita!
* I have their consent to call them bitches. I figured I did, but wanted to make sure because of the trauma of my most recent middle-school bestie break-up. TRAUMA.
Am I a Bad Person?
Or am I simply too assertive; wouldn't that be crossing the lines between aggressive and hyper aggressive? I'm questioning my morals and my actions because of it and I think I might be going crazy. I know I am inherently a good person, but why have so many people left me from our friendships? Do I have high standards or am I just a bitch? Is it due to my Filipino background where women hit their kids in private and then brag about them to other Asian parents in public? Is this all a trauma response because of how many friendships I've lost? That last one is definitely a yes as it is manifesting in many health issues I am currently experiencing.
I'm also questioning my entire personality right now.
I am questioning my ability to live by myself in Amerikkka. I constantly have to explain to people that my schedule is based on my PMDD cycle because I experience debilitating back pain (I feel like Bella in Breaking Dawn part 1 when she literally bent backwards in a 90° angle); I rely on my reproductive cycle to evaluate my day-to-day lifestyle. I got my sex coach certification to start my own business, therefore, I make my own schedule. I don't like the 9 to 5 mindset and think that taking breaks is essential to everyone’s health, but that's this planet’s work culture, isn't it? Now, more than ever, Amerikkka is literally regressing, adding stress to all marginalized groups.
Questioning these things about myself are really important and pertinent to my growth as a whole person. Yes, I've noticed I've gotten angrier. Can I approach a situation after an emotionally charged situation? I'd like to think so with all my new holistic knowledge and inner work to think before I react and sometimes, not react to anything at all. However, inaction bothers the fuck out of me. I am not the type of person who can stand there, seeing visible/public injustices. How can we change these ignorant minds if I don't speak up? Shouldn't we address an issue as soon as it happens so the memory is fresh and communication is clear? Have we not learned from Chanel Miller that institutions are against survivors? I understand that we all have boundaries, but are we doing enough? I know you're tired, I'm tired, so what's next?
As I’ve mentioned 2 blog entries ago about my family's activism. Now I'm at a stalemate; continue living my truth or hiding again. I don't want to hide anymore. I am actively working on my relationships with my friends, family, and peers. My close friends, all can be counted on one hand, are getting married, having kids, and I'm feeling like I'm getting left behind. The thing is, I don't want kids! I want to be the person who my friends’ kids go to for advice, a Tita and Ninang (an aunt and godmother). Additionally, my niece has arrived and I intend on spending time with her before she leaves; she has never seen The Princess Diaries and I've always wanted to go to that arcade at the pier. Lastly, I cannot live alone in this 3-story house. It was much easier to live in a small space as a disabled person because there's less to clean! I can't even take out the recycling on the 2nd floor/kitchen/living room/dining area! My brother's plants are stressing me out too and I'm so stressed that I've started voiding again. Which means laundry has been up my ass! I’m so happy we have evolved our Asianness to using the dishwasher as a dishwasher and not for storage! Iykyk.
My knees hurt, my back pain is tolerable, my hormones are imbalanced, I'm behind on work, and I’ve only fallen once (I'm so happy I didn't break anything because it was gnarly). This week will be particularly difficult for me as it is my late dog's birthday, Dream; she passed away when I was in the hospital due to the beginning phases of my disability.
Two Weeks, Post-Dirty Thirty Girlies Glamping Trip
This trip has only solidified my friendships, showed me that I am loved, cared for, and not a burden.
2024’s Dirty Thirty Girlies Glamping Trip was spent with my oldest friends and this is our first international trip together. We found a really cute, Brother's Grimm-themed cottages.
Belle’s Castle Cottage at Charmed Resorts located on INDIGENOUS LANDS: the Blackfoot Nations Piikani [Peigan], Kainai [Blood], and Siksika [Blackfoot], the Tsuu T'ina, the K'tunaxa [Kootenay].
I will always fondly remember the first time I talked to J and L; I straight up and asked them, "hi, can I be your friend," when I started a new school in 3rd grade. They had just met the prior school year and ever since I joined, we've never lost contact. Even through the busyness of college, turmoils of toxic ex-boyfriends, being traumatizing teens and young adults, and even the gaps of years during our hectic college years. Yet, we maintained our solid bonds with each other and always check in at least once a month. This trip really solidified our lil trio; my OGs since 03. Like, legit, L and I intend on getting tattoos that symbolizes our collective friendship; J has a fear of needles, commonly known as “trypanophobia,” so her presence will be part of the experience. I won't lie though, I was pretty anxious about flying internationally for the first time with J and L. Two weeks before the trip, I experienced horrific PMDD symptoms, which, thankfully went away when I got my phantom period during the trip (next week's blog will be about my experience using Flex's reusable menstrual disc). L also got their menses and J just came back from a wedding in Colombia and her nails were still polished and beautiful. The amalgamation of all of these events leading to this trip was absolutely horrendous: getting an oil change and finally fixing my overdue broken AC (coolant problem). This was the first time all three of us have licenses, resources, and intentionally planned a restful retreat; one of us even had TSA pre-check! This was also the first time they got to go through TSA separately because of my disability. If you are legally disabled, you can ask for wheelchair assistance. The perks include skipping ahead of the line at TSA, boarding first, and riding around airports in a cart with a cute bell as a way to get people out of the way. If it weren't for my accommodation, we would have missed our connecting flights. Thank Goddess for being a disabled hottie, am I right?
Ilah is wearing a tie-dye shirt with an oversized, green button-up, carelessly smiling mid-hair twirl. Left elbow on a wooden table with an amalgamation of red and gold bands on her left wrist. Behind them is Belle’s Castle Cottage.
I was most anxious about how my body would react to a new environment. I haven't been to Canada since I was a kid and I've only visited Vancouver and Victoria (the unceded traditional territories of the xʷməθkʷəy̓əm [Musqueam] Sḵwx̱wú7mesh [Squamish], and səlilwətaɬ [Tsleil-Waututh] Nations). I was really happy that most of the land was untouched with snowy peaks and cute valleys. Our 2nd airport (YXC) was so small, it only accommodated 2 airlines. As soon as we got into the car, I felt a rush of relief, breathing in the chilly, Canadian air, and knew that this trip was going to be special and my instincts were correct. I know that my brain reacted to the Canada trip as, “you cannot keep up with them,” and, “why do they put up with me?” I no longer have these insecure feelings because I shouldn't feel insecure when I'm with them. I'm already disabled and choose to be a better person every day; why shouldn't I expect the same from them? Oh right! There are simply people who refuse to be better. I have this moral guideline for myself to uplift the people in my community. I must admit that I have hurt people in my community and have/am doing the active work to be better and I am constantly reminded by my family that these lifelong friends make me a better person so I best keep them close to my heart.
Life is wild right now; traveling, going out more, having the money to do things, provide for others, and assist with mutual aid funds. For fucks sake, I'm coaching someone who went on a date with a worldwide famous celebrity. That's huge, yet again, for your average Hoe, I know too many people who are famous (some are/were family members [my father's scene was cut from an original movie with the likes of Marisel Soriano]) or famous-adjacent. Celebrities and notable figures are not uncommon in my contacts. I just saw Pentatonix live in Reno and I've seen them perform at Vidcon 2012 and 2013 and I stayed with someone who has connections to famous Korean people. Funnily enough, she gave her NYU-graduate, kitty-covered resume and they went on to become a PA for the movie, Camp Takota. This just goes to show that you can literally just be yourself and achieve your dreams. Additionally, we're all intertwined no matter our class and identities. If there is anything you take away from this is to be assertive while maintaining your truth. Stand up for yourself and others because you don't know what or how that can affect the world. It's okay to leave a situation if it is not positively serving you or those in your community. Lastly, people are allowed to also not have you in their lives. People are complex, complicated creatures who are just big, little babies bumbling around, surviving. Be kind and have empathy.
xoxo
tallasianchick
I've Achieved My Dream Career... Now What?
I am officially a Certified Sex Coach, after paying my last monthly tuition on May 21, 2024 at 8am. I did it. I did the thing; I have achieved my dream career. Yes, I have a bit of debt, but I can easily let time go by and let the passive income do its thing. I have ordered business cards twice and now that summer is in full gear, I have an advantage of living in San Francisco. For example, there was a lot of foot traffic last weekend and it happened to be Bay to Breakers. I took the opportunity to staple some Überlube samples (a little goes a long way) to my business card. I could only go up to 8 in terms of the Ziploc bag size, but only 4 remained. The following weekend (May 24th-26th), my fellow queer neighbor loves throwing parties and I could hear the rustling of the bags with joy. I don't care if they took it for just the lube because there have been so many times where I have found a business card whilst cleaning and it was actually fruitful. Prior to my decision to evaluate my relationship with social media, I was conflicted on whether or not to keep my business local or something much broader. My business is forever-changing and that’s my decision because it is my business. However, I'm starting to see the negatives of having my motto be, “my business is personal,” but I can't help but feel the tug to share my stories because my stories (AKA my life and self-advocacy) has made such an impact on survivors and I love fighting for them.
Activism and assertiveness has always been present in my family, whether they identify as activists or not. My father figure/brother spoke up for his elementary school class field trip after changing the field trip’s itinerary with a lesser value than what the students’ parents paid for. His strong elementary school-aged self went straight to the head of the school, expressed his peers’ complaints, he won and all the money was given back. My mother started working at age 6 and my father catered at the Hilton for over 15 years. Speaking of my father, he's also a person with extreme self-control (when he wants to be). I've heard the story of how my family found out that my mother's little fetus self has a vagina, they were ecstatic. Read that again… doesn't that sound incredibly creepy? Anyways! My father quit cigarettes cold turkey, unknowingly repeating his actions on my 3rd birthday, also vowing to part ways with my milk bottle because I thought I was too old. A self-aware 3-year-old? That was me!
My struggle now has a lot more to do with separating and balancing my business because I work remotely. My work days currently consists of the following and in order; I sleep no later than 10pm/11pm, wake up around 6:30am and immediately get out of bed, silence while I do my bathroom routine (I do squats while brushing my teeth and affirmations in the mirror to hype myself up for the day), make coffee or matcha and grab a banana or apple, gather my crystals and put on meditative music while shuffling my tarot deck, ask any question and pull a card, take a picture and start journaling for 10 minutes or at least when the meditation music ends. I'm ready for my day. I check my bank and credit accounts afterwards, check my emails, then get some work done.
“But Ilah, what do you do?!” I am trying to run and succeed in my business because I don't like rules. Rules are restrictive to my growth and I would like to implement my own guidelines as to how I work. I like being in control and additionally, my disabled body has tried to work under someone else and I'm so tired of not being heard. My body (realistically, no human body) should be working this much because we deserve rest and pleasure. I deserve pleasure because running this business gives me so much intellectual and social pleasure that I do not care what people think anymore! Being a sex coach in public allows me to be one the most interesting people in the room because sex coaching is still relatively new and unheard of. I enjoy the looks on each individual face because I'm an attention whore, if you haven't noticed.
All of these things are a part of me; achieving my dream career, my family, culture, people I surround myself with, and lastly, my life experiences, past, and trauma. I wish real life experiences were validated as skills on resumes because, I may not have the professionally paid experiences, but I have thorough experience navigating being who I am in society and in the public: mentally and physically disabled, chronically ill, self-aware, much more patient, and convincing others that life matters. I am speaking from a privileged position, but I am here because of the hard work of everyone who got me here, especially myself. No, I don't want to live a “normal” life. I want my life to be extraordinary and I want to be remembered. I want my legacy story to move beyond my death and make history.
Toy Review: JOI Rotating Head G-Spot Vibrator & Clit Licker from Honey Play Box
Link to discounted toy here: JOI Rotating Head G-Spot Vibrator & Clit Licker or use code “tallasianchick” to get 15% off!
Have I mentioned how much I love deep, cervical orgasms? Well, now you know and this toy lives up to its detailed name. I've been affiliated with Honey Play Box for a while now and I am definitely going to invest in the Scioness next because besides G-spot stim, clitoral stimulation is my absolute favorite! However, I found it rather difficult as the toy did not fit my current masturbation style; ritually and ideally every night, right before bed or if I'm already horny, the masturbation process starts around 9pm. I try to find the best “boyfriend ASMR” or “lesbians tribbing” or “cumpilation,” while using the realistic tongue-licking on my clit. When I finally find the perfect video, I close my eyes and just listen.
Once I'm mentally, physically, and psychologically stimulated, I grab one of my many lubes, usually Uberlube, and insert the toy inside my vagina and I found that stimulation of my vaginal introitus (vaginal opening) can be quite pleasurable and orgasmic. Considering my disabilities, I am capable of finding other ways to use products safely. For example, I only use this toy when I'm laying down because sitting down while using it causes me unwanted pain. I figured, “ok, this is a toy for the shower. I can move more freely and access my G-spot more easily.” I love pushing it all the way in while using a different toy, usually the Diskreet Air by Bellesa Boutique for even more clitoral stimulation. Masturbation has truly become a ritualistic practice for me.
My mother once said that if I have too much sex, my vagina will get old (implications of being dirty or loose). Regardless of the amount of sex, my vagina will age alongside me so go have an orgasm to relax your mind. Specifically the hormone prolactin, which makes you feel relaxed and sleepy. I'm seriously wondering if my mother had access to pleasure or even being aware of having pleasure in any form and not just feeling bad about your life because your life is not mine. Thanks to her and forced Catholicism, I was able to go to a sex shop at 18, had a Planned Parenthood near my high school, and asked questions. I had seen the effects of comprehensive sexual health not being implemented and a plethora of people I knew had kids at a young age (mostly family). It is my duty as a sex coach and sex educator to share this valuable information. AND FOR FREE!?
HELP A SEX COACH OUT BY USING MY CODES OR BOOKING A SESSION WITH ME.
Family Issues & Family Failures
As an adult, you realize how family and past generations have failed its succeeding children. My paternal grandfather abandoned his 6 children, leaving my grandmother and children to raise themselves. My parents were immigrants and worked to provide for their 5 children, leaving my father figure/brother with the bunso (Tagalog for “the youngest child"). My older brothers are gamblers and abusers and our misogynistic parents let the ones with penises off the hook most of the time. Now, it has unfortunately trickled down to the subsequent generations and now, my nephew is going to be incarcerated for interpersonal violence (IPV).
I know that every family and human being is dealing with their own shit. Trauma is so common and we're constantly in a state of trauma. War, politics, environment, work, relationships, capitalism, pandemics, it's all trauma. I am in a state of constant vicarious trauma and so are many of us, we just don't know it because we were never taught how to properly respond to trauma. The trauma never goes away, but you learn to live and cope with it through time and coping skills. For example, body regulation using conscience breathing. I like to use a method I created called 7-5-7 breathing; eyes open or closed, be aware of your sensations, begin with inhaling for 7 seconds, holding for 5, and exhaling for 7 seconds again (do this 3 times).
My nephew never learned these skills because I moved to San Francisco and he lives in the East Bay (about an hour to an hour and a half with traffic). I tried checking in, but he never answered which concerned me. Additionally, I'm so angry at his neglectful father (2nd oldest brother), although my niece did say there are things in their family that I didn't know about (this makes me so sad). You are a teenage girl, you shouldn't have to think like an adult, and you certainly shouldn't understand these deep issues because they shouldn't be happening in the first place! His father won't even take time off to visit and speak to his son. He even had the audacity to instruct me to, “take care of him for me, guys [my caretaker and I]!" Why don't you take time off, come support your son, see him face-to-face, and tell him you're sorry for neglecting him.
This family loves to abandon its members even though I've always been taught family first. No, my nephew physically abused his girlfriend, there is no excuse for that. My current concern is his further spiral because of the terrible treatment of incarcerated POC. I'm afraid that he'll join a gang because he is prone to gang violence and was even shot in the face with no further investigation. Considering he lacks family, he is more likely to join a gang as gangs tend to be similar to family structures and extreme loyalty. I'm so upset and I have every reason to be. Much like him, I don't have much emotional family support. I want accountability and rehabilitation, but we all know that's not how Amerika works.